To the new version of me: here I welcome you. I guess it is also a welcome back? I am working on a project which I can’t really say much about besides that it involves a lot of reflecting and talking, with one of the topics being: freedom related to relationship - How much connection is healthy, when are you losing yourself? Or, can you be authentically yourself, being in a relationship?
There is this idea right, that if you want to be a good, successful artist you have to spend all your time in the studio making. Being alone and being truly you. This is really not how I make work or in general how my creative energy flows. I need people to talk to about my ideas and create together, this gives me so much more energy. (also it is just loads of fun!!) But then I guess also the works I create with people are not authentically mine.
Anyway, figuring out what is yours and what is someone else’s is really hard. And realizing you've spent a lot of time merging with others also feels alienating from knowing who you are. Because that is the big question and maybe as an artist an even bigger one.
BUT! the question ‘who am I?’ also means ‘who do I want to become?’ Releasing old habits, starting again, and feeling uncomfortable in a newer version of you is an opportunity to grow. And if you release the feeling of control over who you need to be and surprise yourself with who you are, I think maybe those magical things I talked about before can emerge.
This I wrote, feeling uncomfortable
sometimes it's background music and sometimes i want to scream so loud in a crowded train from a dirty toilet at a gas station with my chest forward like you do when you are too young to buy cigarettes but you try anyway and the feeling you get when you succeed maybe it's the same as the scream but i don't i am too old now anyway cigarettes are not so exciting like they used to be now they make me sick with a scream like that people think i am sick too where is the line between insanity and freedom screaming background music screaming to amplify that what needs to be said
And obviously, I also create alone, namely this. Writing, collecting, organizing. But what is ever really yours?
You know, I could really go on for hours. Today was big question day, who knows what tomorrow will bring?
With love,
Flora