2022! We are in it!
Wishing you all the loveliness for this new year :) My new year started off good and content, but these last two weeks (three already??) were also rollercoastery (yes that is a word). I’ve been stuck on wanting to be successful, feeling this pressure to be a success story has made me actually empty and feeling weird about myself.
What is success? It can be really small things right, like finally posting that letter to your friend or washing the dishes from 2 days before. But does that make you feel successful? I guess for a little bit. But this feeling I haven’t been able to shake off is ‘the successful’ that maybe is more like overall contentedness of where you are right now. Omg, am I not content with the life I have?? haha spooked, I am though, no worries, I am. But there is a thread in me that has been shaking for some time now. I will confess it to you, it is almost like a new obsession; wanting to be famous.
Excuse me?
Yes, you read that right. (help) I want to be famous.
And I kind of despise myself for it, because honestly I also pity a lot of celebrities, never having any privacy or not being able to change who you are without getting tons and tons of hate for it.
And I have realized that maybe this obsession doesn’t so much have to do with actually wanting to be famous, but also with wanting to be liked and loved. And yes, here we go again, which leads us to connectedness. You know, maybe it is because of the pandemic, I guess a lot of people have talked and written about this, a lot of my connections (read: relationships) with people have faded over this period of being inside more. And for me personally, also dealing with a close relative being extremely ill, I’ve had less time and space in my mind for other people.
But this leaves me wanting to be famous!! Hahaha, this makes me laugh out loud because it is kind of ridiculous as if that would even make me feel loved and liked. I guess in some sense, but it is also maybe in an empty way?
To come back to having relationships that faded; I really enjoyed that in the beginning! It was like an aha moment, I knew what this relationship was and what it gave me but now I don’t have the energy or space anymore. And it felt liberating! So how come, that also still leaves me feeling abandoned or alone? Is that what they call grieving? Probably.
And it’s good. I’m trying to embrace my inner twenties rollercoaster, this is a good thing and will make me grow (a forehead). Grieving also connects to loving!
Anyway, this is all for now. Thank you if you read it this far, I know this one was very much an inner perspective hehe but maybe it will resonate with some of you. I can recommend everyone who has rollercoasters going on to try knitting, it is meditative and fun. Here is a pic of a (now) finished balaclava I made for my best friend for the cold weather.
Lots of love,
Flora